Teaching Consistency: The Sunday Box
Frank McSweeney, Psy. D., True Parenting Newsletter, April 2000
Through inconsistent parenting you can actually “teach” your child to ignore your orders. This leads to significant problems as the child gets older. Can you do anything about that? Yes, you can. You can help your child understand “cause and effect”; that actions have consequences.
Is There A Pill?
Oftentimes, parents have a litany of behaviors that their child needs to change, and they recite example after example of embarrassing or annoying events from their child’s recent past. They would like to solve them all today, which may explain why the ADHD diagnosis and drug therapy seems so popular today. The thought of a pill to change everything instantly, coupled with the blame-reducing notion that it’s all biological makes medication an attractive solution.
Parents want to know how to deal with all those examples they so painfully recounted. These parents have already tried many things. They may have read books full of wonderful suggestions and received great advice from family, school, church or neighbors. They’ve tried these things and “nothing works.” The problems have only gotten worse. At this time they need to be successful in changing the behavior or they will wind up reinforcing the old behavior, and especially reinforcing their own feelings of incompetence.
Like any building project, the groundwork must be laid. In the case of parental influence on a child, it is necessary that the child understands “cause and effect.” The child must see that what happens to her is a result of her behavior and not parental whim or mood. A parent’s tolerance for the behavior and the advent of yelling is often connected with the kind of day the parent had, how tired the parent is, or the parent’s health. It is reasonable to assume that a parent who is tired, has the flu coming on, or had a “bad” day at work will be less tolerant of the child’s behavior and more likely to react, or at least to react sooner, than a parent who feels well, is well rested, or just got a raise or promotion at work. This will contribute to the child’s connection of any discipline to the parent’s mood rather than his own behavior.
The foundation of parental influence is the child’s recognition of “cause and effect,” and a starting point for this recognition is the “Sunday Box.” As described by Ogden Lindsey in a 1966 article in the Johnstone Bulletin, the “Sunday Box” is a way to teach “cause and effect” and make the parents’ word credible. In many of the households where child behavior is problematic, the parents seem to be ignored until the voice is raised to yell. This leads to an almost constant level of frustration on the part of the parent and a gradual learning on the part of the child that he needn’t listen until Mom or Dad yells. This is not a conscious decision on the child’s part; it is learned behavior: “Nothing happens until yelling and sometimes the yelling doesn’t come.” It results in what parents refer to as being “tuned out” by the child. The “Sunday Box” begins a reversal of that trend, teaches “cause and effect” and reduces the nagging and the volume level of communication within the house.
The “Sunday Box” makes the child responsible for cleaning up his or her own things. Useful for children from three through high school, it involves the child’s belongings being picked up and put away at a specific time of day. The parents decide when this is, and what “picked up” means. The following is a sample statement to a child about the “Sunday Box.”
“In order to help you kids learn to take care of your things, we have a new rule in the house. Every day at 7 o’clock all of your toys, games, clothes, books, and sports equipment need to be picked up and put away because at 7 o’clock either Dad or I will go around and pick up anything is not put away, put it in a box and the box will go into the closet. You will not get it back until Sunday. So, for example, if you come up to me and say ‘Mom, where’s my Beach Bunny Barbie?’ I’ll say, ‘Honey, it’s in the ‘Sunday Box.’’ And you’ll say, ‘Oh man! I should have put it away.’ ‘Next time, honey.’ For the next few days we’ll do it for practice. Anything Dad or I pick up will be given back to you to put away, so you can get used to the routine. If you have any questions about what has to get put away or where something has to go, just ask me.”
There is the explanation: simple and given in about one minute. Any longer and the child’s eyes glaze over and he “tunes” you out. It is as important how the message is delivered as what message is being delivered. The ingredients in the rule and the message conveyed are:
- I’m doing this to help you learn to take care of your things. (responsibility)
- This is going to happen every day. (consistency)
- This is going to happen at the same time. (consistency)
- Both parents agree. (consistency)
- There are consequences for violation of the rule. (cause and effect)
- You determine whether there ever are consequences. (cause and effect)
- You may be unhappy and it is “OK” to be unhappy in an inappropriate way but the rule stays. (consistency, cause and effect, control of emotions)
- The parents aren’t going to yell or nag. (control of parental emotions)
- Learning is a process. (patience not perfection)
- The world doesn’t end if things are in the Sunday Box. (patience)
- You get a chance to learn new rule. (nobody’s out to get you)
- You can ask questions to clarify the rule. (communication, parents aren’t perfectly clear all the time)
The “Sunday Box” teaches a great deal, but only if you use it consistently.