Quality Time and Boundaries

By Frank McSweeney, TrueParenting Newsletter, June 2000

During parent coaching calls, one of the issues that parents ask me about is Quality Time. The vast majority of parents want to do the very best for their children. Then life happens. It seems there’s always something demanding our time. If it isn’t work, it’s paying bills, or reading the mail, or shopping, or taxiing the kids here and there. One of the big culprits in the Quality Time issue is when both parents work. For many of us it is a fact of life. We made choices and one of the outcomes of those choices is that there is a need for two incomes. The lifestyle we have chosen and are accustomed to demands that both parents bring in a salary.

The Housewife at Work

I remember reading recently (probably in Ann Landers’ column) that mothers should be proud to be housewives and stay home and raise the children. Little argument here about pride in parenting, but not everyone makes the same choices and the same choices are not right for everyone. I certainly don’t want to debate this topic but rather to address the issue of Quality Time. Simply said, I have seen stay-at-home parents who do not provide quality time for their children and unbelievably busy parents who do.

So What is Quality Time?

I would say that Quality Time is time spent with a child where there is a true connection between parent and child. In many cases it may mean undivided attention. At the very least, for it to be Quality Time the child needs to feel connected with the parent. If Mom is reading while the child plays on the floor, I would consider it Quality Time if, when the child calls for Mom’s attention to something he is doing, Mom attends and interacts. The same scenario would not be Quality Time, from my perspective, if Mom responds to the child with “Not now, I’m reading.”

Fitting it All In

Is it hard to interact with your child in a game of T-ball, soccer, or basketball? It rarely qualifies as entertaining sport but mere presence may not be sufficient to qualify as Quality Time. Although some parents are over-involved with their child in sports, it seems that awareness and attention to the child requires that the parent watches what is happening and is aware of the child. I have seen some parents who bring the child to the game, drop her off and then are off to a power-walking session. I’m not bashing or bad-mouthing any parent. It is extremely unfair to ever judge a parent on what we observe in an isolated incident. The power-walking parent may spend a great deal of other time with the child.

Quality Time and Self-Esteem

A parent who is “too busy” for the child and finds himself resentful that the child’s activities intrude on his life may convey that message to the child. The child may feel unimportant or, at least, fairly far down on the parent’s priority list. The purpose of Quality Time is to let the child know how important he is to you. This builds self-esteem and gives the child a sense of self-worth. We need more of this Quality Time when we are very young, but we need some of it all through our life. From whom that comes may differ, which is why parents of adolescents may find themselves “not needed” because now the Quality Time comes from peers.

Is it Possible to Give Too Much Quality Time?

I’m not sure, but I believe it is possible to give the wrong message in the name of Quality Time. A parent who always drops whatever she is doing to respond to a child may give the child a warped sense of importance. If there are no boundaries about when a child can or cannot interrupt, to the point where he develops an attitude that he can interrupt at any time or in any place, the message that is received is that the child is the most important creature in the world.

Not the Center of the Universe

Although we want our child to feel good about herself, it is inaccurate for anyone to think they’re the center of the universe, the most important creature in the world. It is a false sense of self and does not serve the child well. This may seem a fine line but the difference lies in the attitude of the parent and the boundaries that are set. The message I believe you would like to convey to your child is that she is always important but that some of the things she does are not that important or there are other more important things for you to attend to at that moment. Important is a poor word here. Sometimes just mowing the lawn takes priority.

Phone Behavior

Parents of young children can see an example of how this can become a problem if you think of the phone ringing. What happens in your house? In some homes, Mom can’t talk on the phone without constant interruptions. All of a sudden the child needs to talk to you, or show you something. The degree to which this is a problem may give you a hint as to how you have dealt with boundaries.

Boundaries in a Family

Boundaries are an issue in family, between parents and children, between parents themselves and between children. Being able to define your own boundaries is a task for each of us and goes a long way toward making a life manageable. When you can define boundaries in an assertive (not aggressive) manner, you are able to stand up for your rights and yet not trample the rights of others. Parents who establish boundaries with their children begin to teach children about boundaries. Homes in which bedroom and bathroom doors are left open are probably not teaching boundary setting. Privacy is a boundary issue. Parents are allowed to have privacy, yet in some homes the doors always open and children can enter any time, without knocking. Intimacy becomes an issue for that parental couple.

The Parent’s Boundaries

We started talking about Quality Time and ended up talking about parental intimacy. That’s not a stretch since understanding boundaries and spending appropriate quality time with your children should not preclude spending Quality Time with your spouse or significant other. Children are incredibly important but they’re not the only important things in the world. You may disagree with that statement. It’s your right. Just check on the limits and boundaries you set for your children, because parenting is a long-term process. It doesn’t happen in instant. Give that Quality Time. The children need it and you need it. Teach them to make appropriate boundaries. It will probably be easier for them to understand “good touch, bad touch” when they understand boundaries. When you teach them boundaries, you help them in so many ways.

Visit our web site at www.truecoaching.com to read about parent coaching and business coaching. For specific educational materials for parents and teachers of young children to age 7, visit www.truecoaching.com/pic .

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